Chapter 38

I hit send on the message, my hands trembling slightly as the words appeared on the screen: I can't keep this up with you. I'm moving out of the house.

I stood in the center of the apartment, staring at my phone as the message went.

I had been considering this choice for days. I could only handle so much of Ethan's ongoing secrets and his emotional barriers. After our most recent chat, I realized that I couldn't continue to live with someone who wouldn't let me in because my dissatisfaction had been growing.

Even still, a tiny part of me hurt as I looked at my phone, expecting a reaction that never materialized. I had been deceiving myself into believing that he would tell me the truth if I waited long enough. But waiting wasn't working anymore. A change had to be made.

An hour later, I found myself standing in the hallway of a sleek, modern apartment building in the heart of Manhattan. The agent had just shown me the final apartment available; it was huge, quiet, and sufficiently removed from the bustle of Monroe. Large windows in the living area allow in a gentle glow of daylight. Though smaller than the penthouse, it was ideal for a fresh start.

The real estate agent smiled politely and continued, "This is a prime unit. It's the best available on short notice."

I pretended to listen and nodded, but my thoughts were elsewhere. Part of me still thought about the message I sent Ethan, but I wanted to concentrate on the apartment and feel like I was taking charge of my life once more.

Was I doing the right thing?

Was it the correct thing to leave him?

As she flipped through her binder, the realtor asked, "Would you like to go ahead and fill out the rental forms?"

"I believe so," I responded, somewhat hesitantly. "It seems... perfect."

The front door opened behind us before I could finish speaking.

"Emily!"

My entire body tensed. Ethan.

He was hurrying inside, his face flushed with panic, when I turned around. I was caught off guard when he unexpectedly showed up during my attempt at a new beginning. The realtor hastily excused herself and left us alone after noticing the tension.

"Ethan, what are you doing here?" As he came closer, I crossed my arms and asked.

He looked into my eyes and replied, a little out of breath, "I got your message. You can't leave."

I laughed resentfully. "Can't I? Ethan, we haven't spoken for days. I have made every effort to make sense of your situation, but you have entirely cut me off."

He ran a hand through his hair and shook his head. "That isn't the case."

"Then what is it like?" Frustrated, I raised my voice and demanded. "You claim to be defending me, but you won't explain what you're defending me against. I can't continue to act like everything is alright because you won't trust me."

Ethan stepped closer and repeated, "I am protecting you. Just a lot of things are happening that I can't tell you about just yet."

I crossed my arms more tightly and rolled my eyes. "Ethan, that's the issue. You refuse to share this with me. And I'm done waiting for you to choose a time that works for me to enter."

Ethan let out a harsh sigh, clearly frustrated. "I'm trying to solve this, Emily. Everything's a mess right now."

"What should I do in the meantime, then?" With a trembling voice, I interrupted. "Just wait for you to decide when you're ready to talk, and sit around."

He stepped closer and murmured softly, "I need your trust." For the first time, I could see the dread in his eyes, and his voice was suddenly begging. fear of losing me.

My voice cracked as I continued, "Ethan, I want to trust you. But I have nothing to trust from you."

Between us, there was a thick, agonizing quiet. The corners of my eyes pricked with tears, but I blinked them away. I was unable to cry. Not right now.

With a firm voice, I finally stated, "I'm renting this apartment.  need room. I can't continue to live with you while our relationship is deteriorating."

Ethan's jaw clenched and his cheeks hardened. "Don't do this, Emily. Don't leave."

"I must," I muttered. "I can't continue to act as though nothing is wrong. Not when you're not telling me anything."

"It's not what you think."

"Then tell me what it is!" I lost my temper. "You refuse to tell me the truth, even though you keep insisting it's not what I believe. You won't tell me the truth, so how am I meant to stay?"

Ethan paced the room while running both hands through his hair. He was struggling to say something, anything, that would keep me, and I could see that conflict in him. But he was unable to. I wasn't going to wait around for him to decide he was ready to open up, and he wasn't.

The realtor, who had been quietly observing from the corner, caught my attention once more. "I'm ready to fill out the paperwork."

"Hold on!" Ethan took hold of my arm and whirled me around. Now his eyes begged, desperate. "What about the vacation?"

I scowled. "What vacation?"

"The one I recommended," Ethan stated in a pressing tone. "You mentioned that you needed some time apart from everything to get your thoughts straight. Come on. Let's take a break. Away from the pandemonium, we can solve everything."

I gazed at him, taken aback by the abrupt change in his voice. The trip? He meant it. In reality, he was recommending that we take a vacation from everything-the business, the FBI, the secrets.

"Ethan..." Unsure of what to say, I began.

"Emily, please," he said, stepping closer again. "Let's simply leave this place. We can work it out. I promise, once we're away, I'll explain everything."

Torn between wanting to believe him and the persistent sense that nothing would change, I looked into his face. However, the idea of getting away-of temporarily putting all of this behind us-was alluring. I required a respite. Both of us did.

With doubt racing through my head, I said, "I don't know."

Ethan gently touched my hand as he reached for it. "I know I made a mistake, Emily. I'm trying to protect you, even though I know I've concealed some things from you. Come with me, please. Let's put this all on hold for a bit."

I noticed the vulnerability in his eyes as I peered into them. In his own way, he was attempting to make things better. And perhaps. just possibly this trip might be just what we need to resolve our differences.

I was still hesitant, wondering if I could truly trust him in light of everything that had happened.

I finally answered, "I'll give it some thought," and withdrew my hand. "But I'm not promising anything."

Ethan nodded, clearly relieved. "That is all I'm requesting."